Screwed.edu
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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