i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
