What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
