Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
