where am i from again
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Of course I have a pirate flag
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
