i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
