my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize