I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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