Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
