Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
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