I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
