I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
