I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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