I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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