the condom got lost in my hair
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
