i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
