Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
