When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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