where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
