my phone needs a breathalizer
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
