It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize