I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
