Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
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