After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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