I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
