You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
