I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
