i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
