all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Randomize
