Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
