It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
