why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
