There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
