do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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