She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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