Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
