oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
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