We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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