I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
The Olympian is in my bed
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
