Don't you send me to vm
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
