her vagine was all disorganized.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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