I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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