I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
