She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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