the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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