so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
