THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
