Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I wish I could teleport
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
