Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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