I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
