So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
