A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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