apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Randomize
