I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
