I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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