Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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